A Journey of Mindfulness

I’ve always had this misconception that doing the right thing consisted of making sure that how I affected people was considered. Like, it’s bad if other people are hurt. There is also the Golden Rule – “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. It’s a great rule to live by, and I believe in it. But, it can be taken too far or misinterpreted. It doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t say or do something because I know how it would make me feel, and so I don’t take action. Well, the way I would feel is my problem, but I’m assuming that is how others would feel. It is much worse to assume people are going to feel or respond a certain way than to just say or do what you want. And, saying/ doing what you want doesn’t ever have to be wrong if the intention is always good.

I have on occasion wanted to question people because I felt they were dishonest, had ill intent, or just simply hiding something. Here I go assuming people of things when I don’t know or may never know. And, my intention is to find out why their behavior is bad accorinding to my opinion. So, of course, if I’m assuming they have bad intentions, the way I question them will feel like an attach and not be productive.

Instead, it’s better to ask people questions if you have the right intentions. I am practicing clearing myself of any assumptions I’m making and then if I feel I still want to ask questions, I make sure it’s for the right reasons and there’s no judgement lingering.

That gets me back to where I started with this blog entry…doing what’s right. It is right if I have good intentions. I’m not doing it for my own satisfaction, for “good karma”, or worse, to catch someone in their “bad” behavior. If you know you had good intentions and you did your best in that moment, then you should be proud of yourself. Any resulting behavior from the other person is more about them than yourself. One thing that can happen is they no longer want to talk to you. But is that so bad when you are doing the best you can, you’re being yourself and have good intentions?

To cleanse the digestive tract and entire body of blockages and impurities:

Sip hot water throughout the day

You can boil several cups of water in the morning, put in a thermos and carry it with you throughout the day.

You can also add the below ingredients to improve digestion and reduce cravings (strain out the seeds before consuming):

1/2 tsp cumin seeds

1/2 tsp whole fennel seeds

1/2 tsp whole coriander seeds

Other remedies:

Amalaki (gooseberry) is a natural antioxidant

Bibhitaki (belleric myrobalan) reduces accumulated fat and fluids

Harithaki (chebulic fruit) is a natural cleanse

Six Taste Curry Powder:

5 tsp coriander seeds

1 tsp fenugreek seeds

1/2 tsp cumin seeds

5 cloves

1 bay leaf

1 1/2 cinnamon stick

2 tsp turmeric powder

Grind the spices together except turmeric which should be added after the other spices are ground. Add to proteins, veggies, etc.

My body has changed quite a bit in the last few years, mostly from a 30 lb weight gain. I was depressed, anxious and grieving the loss of my mom. I tried to find quick ways to stop the gain or lose the pounds but there isn’t a quick fix. Even if you found this quick fix, it isn’t healthy or sustainable. Instead of focusing on how much I dislike my body or how it makes me feel about myself, I am working on loving myself for who I am and what I look like. You can’t expect to look great if you don’t feel great, and it is possible to feel great right now. Drop the judgement of yourself. Would you say to others what you say to yourself? It can be hard work, but every time you judge yourself negatively, apologize to yourself and send that negativity out of your body to let God/the universe deal with. Let it go, stop judging, love yourself. Now, start taking care of yourself. Think to yourself you want to be healthy, treat your body good, and feel good as a result.

Ayurvedic Weight Loss:

The “Bhaishajya Rathavali” says: Persons indulging in physical exercise, worry, long walk, intake of honey, remaining awake at night, taking barley as food gets rid of obesity.” I wouldn’t suggest staying awake at night for most people as rest keeps the mind and body energized and invigorated.

Ayurvedic principles for weight loss suggest:

1. Take time to exercise every day
2. Drink more water than you feel is needed
3. Meals should include foods that are in season, super foods such as ghee, honey, almonds, and dates. Largest meal should be mid-day (10-2) which is when your digestive system is firing the most. Smallest meal should be dinner. Dinner should be vegetarian, hot, light, and soupy including barley, green gram, brown rice, wheat cooked in water, and steamed, roasted, or sautéed veggies. Warm foods are easiest to digest. Avoid cheese, yogurt, rich desserts, red meat, leftovers, cold food, and processed food. Reduce evening consumption of fish, fowl, and starches. Go light with dinner as digestion is at its weakest. In the evening, undigested foods turn into toxins and turn into fat.

Breakfast: hot oatmeal, fresh fruit, or egg whites as yolks are hard to digest

Lunch: can include cheese, eggs, meat, desserts

Dinner: soups, cooked veggies

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of “labels”? For me, I immediately think of Republicans and Democrats or conservatives and liberals. There seems to be a label for everything that most people identify themselves as. One might say, “I am…” and add to it, “a liberal, “a republican”, “a Baptist”, “introverted”, “extroverted”, “an accountant”, “a salesperson”, “straight”, “gay”, “single”, “taken”, “educated”, etc.

The problem with labels is that they are somewhat limiting and don’t have to define us. To say I’m liberal is to say that I believe whatever it is that liberals believe. I’ve limited myself in who I am, what I stand for, and also how people may perceive me. Not that it really matters what others think, but what matters is what you stand for and how that impacts your purpose.

It is important to me that every person I interact with knows that I am coming from a place of love and compassion. If they see that I’ve made a statement about myself saying that I’m liberal, I’m baptist, I’m well-educated, I’m an accountant, etc. then they have created judgments based on that information and not based on who I really am as a person. It is a need of mine to connect with others honestly and openly in a way that I can impact them positively but also so that I may learn and grow as a person myself. It doesn’t feel open and honest when I show up with all of these labels of myself.

My challenge for you and for myself is to not attach any labels to ourselves and to just be who we want to be. We are all just energy, fluid, ever-changing beings with so much potential for growth and awakening that will lead us to that elusive feeling of peace and content.

A series of events occurred that have brought me to where I am now, the person I have always been but never fully realized. My grandpa passed away suddenly a week before my 34th birthday, which was also almost 10 months since my niece, Holley, was born, and also right after I had just completed my Master’s degree in Professional Accounting. My grandma started exhibiting memory issues. And, I began to feel the worst depression I had ever experienced and didn’t understand why. This was 2009.

I know a part of me felt that I was not as successful as I had expected to be at that point in my life. Student loan debt was overwhelming, and my career hadn’t taken off yet. My ideas on love, marriage, and the hope for kids started to change as they seemed unattainable. Anxiety increased to the point that social interaction was exhausting and even scary, at times. My best friend had moved 200+ miles away and gotten married. The isolation began at this point. I had lost motivation. The need to be alone was my new normal that I would find hard to change and still battle occasionally.

In the 2010-11 time frame, I picked up a book called, “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping. It was the first time I realized that I wasn’t a helpless product of genetics and environment and that I wasn’t some unlucky person that nothing good ever happens to. I saw that if I change how I think and perceive things that “happen to me”, I could actually be free of the depression, anxiety, suicide ideation and have a normal, happy life. It looked like a huge mountain with no top, but I saw the possibilities and the hope that I didn’t see before. I read a few other books, as well, to immerse myself in this positive thinking mindset and started to see some changes in my life. I didn’t fully understand or grasp everything I read so I faltered quite a bit.

I dated someone in 2014-15 that broke my heart for the first time. I had never felt so hurt or so destroyed by someone else. It cut to the core of my being, and I remember it hurt so much that I confided in my mom at dinner while we were at the beach celebrating my aunt’s 60th birthday (2015). It’s hard for me to truly confide in people, even my mom, but the comfort I got from her was unexpected. She cried with me and said all the right things to help me move on. I realized how much I had missed out on in not confiding in her in the past. This was the start of a relationship with my mom I had never had, of which I am so thankful for.

December 2015, my mom felt a lump in her breast. She went to the doctor and received the results in January 2016 and called me while I was on a date. Since she rarely calls (text messages instead), I knew it was important and answered. She told me to sit down, which I didn’t, and said she has breast cancer. I remember her starting to cry but saying she’s going to be okay, she’ll have a full mastectomy to be safe. I remember thinking, okay, no big deal, she’ll be fine.

She had the surgery, and I didn’t go down to San Antonio to be there for her. I felt so guilty and still do for not being there for her. I talked to her before and after, and she seemed in high spirits. She even had a video of her and the nurses dancing in the hallways on the way to her surgery to the song, “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. She was full of confidence and faith that this was the end of cancer for her.

A month after the surgery, she felt pain in her leg. I thought it might be a blood clot and told her to go to the ER. Her oncologist was able to see her quickly, though, and sent her to Radiology for tests. I went with her to her appointment to see the Radiologist for the results. At that appointment, he told us that the cancer had spread and was determined to be metastatic lung cancer, stage IV. I asked a lot of questions but basically she needed radiation for the brain tumors (around 20!) and then many chemo treatments. And, he didn’t want to say how long she had to live but that on average, it’s 6 months. This was May 2016, and she passed June 7, 2017. They tried 3 different chemotherapies and immunotherapy. She fought so hard, and she thought she was going to survive. I watched her in her final moments struggling to breath and as she took her last breath. It was devastating. She had turned 60 that year. My brother was 38, and I was 41. We were parentless, and our Grandma was in the early stages of Alzheimers.

The next year was rough for me. I tried to go easy on myself and let myself grieve however I wanted. I stopped practicing yoga and exercise, in general. I stopped focusing on my health, and I dated a few men that were not right for me. As a result, I gained 30 pounds and felt the worst about myself that I had ever felt. I couldn’t hear a Stevie Nicks song without crying. I couldn’t hear most music without crying. Music is that thing that gets me emotionally. I can hear a song and relate it to some event in the past. It is also healing.

January 2019, I joined a yoga studio and 2 days later, enrolled in teacher training. It changed my life. My mindset, my outlook, my future is positive and full of hope. I’ve met wonderful people, our teacher has continued to work with me on mindfulness, and I’m so thankful for it all. It took me out of my downward spiral and brought me to myself, who I really am. I am now able to let down my guard and open myself up. I am willing to expose myself through blogging and interactions despite any judgement that may come. I am finally open to relationships of any kind and have so much love and hope. Finally.

43 years of anxiety turned me into a negative, obsessive-compulsive person. I no longer lived for myself but instead to simply survive day-to-day, from one “crisis” to the next. I told myself I was highly sensitive, an empath, too caring, too emotional, overly analytical, dramatic, and basically, unworthy and undeserving. I focused on all the mistakes and bad things I’d done in the past limiting myself to feeling any true joy and peace.

I held myself back in all relationships. In fact, the only gratefulness I consistently felt was for the few people in my life that never waivered in their commitment in their relationships with me. I couldn’t understand why they stuck by me and thought perhaps they felt they had no choice. I blamed myself for every failed relationship as I could see how I held back or was too judgemental or wasn’t good enough.

I dealt with my problems in the only way I knew how…working too much, isolating myself, and avoiding reality by reading too much. It was much easier to focus on career success, keep my negative self from others and to live vicariously through the characters in my books. This pattern became so ingrained, it was all I knew. Efforts to break that pattern caused me to feel hopeless which led to suicidal ideation. It is difficult to admit that…mainly because I don’t want to hurt the people close to me. I don’t want anyone to feel bad that I didn’t confide in them. I was embarrassed by my feelings. From the outside, I know it appeared I had nothing to be sad about. I felt weak and didn’t want anyone to know how weak I was. I liked the successful image I portrayed but also felt stuck with it. I went through many therapists..at least 15 over the span of 20 years.  And, many medications were prescribed.

Thanks for joining me!

“Peaceful is the one who is not concerned with having more or less.  Unbound by name and fame, he is free from sorrow from the world and mostly from himself.” Rumi